


Just Fine

by im_significant



Category: Fruits Basket
Genre: Autistic Character, Gen, Light Angst, Mild Hurt/Comfort, autistic shutdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-12 20:01:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2122830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/im_significant/pseuds/im_significant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Machi has a shutdown in the middle of a lunch with Yuki and worries that she's ruined whatever they had together. Yuki just wants her to know that he's there for her no matter what. And maybe, free of the pressure of her family, Machi can learn to be okay with herself the way she is. (see notes for warnings)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Fine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [affectivefallacy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/affectivefallacy/gifts).



> Written as a pinch-hit for the Autistic Exchange. Sorry this turned out to be about one of the more unpleasant aspects of Autism, but I felt like Machi's relationship with herself is pretty damaged because of her mother so I wanted to address that in relation to this part of her identity. Trigger warnings for internalized ableism and description of a shutdown from the autistic person's pov; has a happy ending.

(Machi)  
Its the first time it’s happened in front Yuki, and she feels so ashamed. This wasn’t supposed to happen, things were supposed to be okay around him. But here she is unable to talk and he’s looking at her and waiting as if she’s just thinking about what to say next and not lost in the clamor of her brain and she cant even remember what she was trying to say and all her thoughts have turned into static and this is just. so. wrong. And he finally gets that she’s stuck and then he’s saying something that sounds like a question and she can’t figure out how to coordinate a response and her brain is so loud she can’t think. She nods, and then shakes her head, and then shakes it again in frustration and then she can’t stop and now she’s lost control of her hands too and she’s sitting there shaking her head back and forth and fluttering her hands and it’s over. It has to be over now. He’s put up with her so much longer than she expected. But with everything else, the footprints in the snow, going suddenly quiet in meetings, she could give him an explanation of the kind that people understood. Now it’s just her and her brokenness, her wrongness, and she can’t stop shaking her head and there’s no point now anyway so she just waits for him to walk away or grab her or yell at her or whatever he’s going to do.

(Yuki)  
Everything was fine until she stopped talking. At first he thought she’d just gotten lost in thought again. It happened a lot and it was endearing, actually. He loves watching her face when she drifts off, and he knows other people think she looks sad but really she’s just thinking. And she doesn’t really look sad, anyway. Machi sad is tension in every line of her body, hands curling and uncurling, subtle movements of limbs and blinking too much. Machi thinking is just... thinking. Her face goes a bit blank like she’s forgotten about her body and floated off somewhere and it’s surprisingly cute. Mostly because when she comes back to herself she starts telling him what she was thinking about. Usually it has nothing to do with any previous conversation and it’s always new and interesting and he treasures the chance to see, just a little, what goes on in her head when she’s not thinking about how she looks to other people. He doesn’t get bored even when she stops and thinks for minutes at a time. He watches the little movements she makes with her hands and her feet, absent fiddling she doesn’t seem to be aware of. And that’s his cue that something is wrong today. He realizes after a moment of watching that she’s not moving. At all. Her hands are absolutely still and that’s not right because Machi stays in motion even in her sleep (he knows this the same way he knows she has trouble sleeping at night- she didn’t show up to a meeting and he found her asleep in a supply closet of all places but he supposes it was dark and quiet and she was tired, so.). In any case something is off.  
“Are you okay?” he asks quietly.  
She nods yes, but then it turns into a no and she keeps shaking her head. Her hands are moving again but it’s not the absent motion he’s used to, it’s a frantic fluttering he’s never seen before. His first instinct is to grab her hands and hold them still but that would be as bad as the stillness from before and it would probably upset her. He knows she doesn’t like being touched unexpectedly, he’s made that mistake before.  
“Machi?”  
She can hear him, she makes a little distressed humming noise in response, but he’s not sure if she’s actually aware of what he’s saying or if she’s just responding because she knows she’s expected to. And they’re in a food court and people are starting to stare and he really doesn’t care what they think except for the fact that it can’t possibly be helping Machi deal with whatever this is so he decides he’s going to risk touching her because talking doesn’t seem to be doing anything at all. He gets up from his side of the table and he keeps talking, just in case she can understand him and just can’t respond.  
“Hey, Machi, it’s okay. I’m going to put my hand on your shoulder, is that okay? We’re going to get up and go somewhere quieter. You can do whatever you need to do. It’s okay.”  
He manages to get her standing up and she’s still flailing her hands but she’s shaking her head less and squeezing her eyes shut instead. Yuki has no idea if that’s good or bad and he just hopes he’s not making things worse.

(Machi)  
Yuki is trying to talk to her again and she hears her name but the rest of it is just noises. She squeezes her eyes shut because everything is too loud and too bright. Then Yuki’s hand is on her shoulder and it’s... she doesn't know what it is but it doesn't make her want to hit anything so that’s a start. She lets him guide her to her feet and then out of the food court and she stumbles a lot but its better than opening her eyes now that they’re outside. She feels pathetic, being led away like this, but its also embarrassingly comforting. No one but Kakeru has ever done this for her and while she’s grateful for him he’s also really bad at helping with this sort of thing. Yuki doesn't keep trying to talk to her, just guides her gently with one hand on her arm until there’s grass under their feet and a tree overhead. She cracks her eyes open a little bit and it’s still way to bright but they’re in the shade now and it’s sunlight instead of fluorescent which at least doesn't hurt her head so much. Yuki sits down on the ground and she doesn’t so much sit as fall down next to him, her legs folding under her as she shuts her eyes again. They just sit like that for a few minutes while she focuses on breathing. Yuki is just there, not speaking, waiting for her to regain her control enough to go home. When she gets back to her apartment she collapses into bed and cries herself to sleep.

Later, she summons the courage to ask if it changes anything, now that he knows. He gives her a very serious look and tells her that the way her brain is wired doesn't make him care less about her. He doesn’t push her; he understands she cant see herself as okay yet. She doesn't have to admit to him how many times she researched a cure, how hard she tried to be normal for her mother after the diagnosis. He understands that accepting herself isn't as simple as telling herself she’s not broken. But when he makes sure to ask before hugging her, and shyly presses a chewable necklace into her hand and squeezes her bite-marked fingers, she thinks maybe this is something she can learn. Maybe her family and doctors and therapists were wrong, and maybe the way she is is just fine.


End file.
